Blenheim Park Cricket Club

Stonor provided the opposition for our last game of the season. That’s ‘Stonor’ not to be confused with tea man ‘Stoner’. One is a large country park while the other is something of an abbreviation of that.

We batted first on a very stripey looking wicket & the pacey Kavanagh in particular extracted some lively bounce with an early delivery whistling past Keysey’s nose. It must have been an early delivery as the batsman was soon back in the shed having larruped a lofted drive to the long-on boundary where the only fielder within a 3 mile radius barely had to move to take the catch. Despite this, we progressed to a relatively comfortable looking 27-1 with Malcolm playing some shots – albeit being dropped twice in one over. As Keysey acknowledged ‘hes a very lucky man indeed. And with doubtful parentage too’ (Ive paraphrased). However we then collapsed with numerous batsman claiming various shades of unlucky (some genuine, some not so) and suddenly we were looking down the barrel at 59-8 despite West’s 27.

With an early finish imminent thoughts drifted towards the autumn and what we could now be doing with our spare time of a weekend … get the lawn mown for instance or re-acquaint ourselves with previously close family members … oh and a phenomenal hook for four from Nigel to deep backward square … probably some other sports on – F1 or Rugby maybe … Jake picking up a few runs and blocking the straight ones … must be an end of season do at some point …. what a straight drive by Walker for another boundary … pay some bills, and Christmas will soon be on us … wow what a shot from Jake pulled to mid-wicket inches short of a six … next year’s holiday to book …. and again – same place just out of the reach of the fielder ….. get the car in for an MOT … Nigel finding the ropes with embarrassing ease now… hang on a minute what’s the score?

Well yes, whilst everyone else was daydreaming these two Oxfordshire representative ‘bowlers’ had doubled our score to a much more respectable 120-odd!

With Jake finally gone, bowled for 25, younger brother Finn – not yet 11 ½ – came to the crease to join Nigel who is old enough to be his great-grandfather. Little did Nigel realise as he staggered from one pub to the next whilst celebrating his 55th birthday that he would one day be batting alongside the infant who had just made his own way home in a similarly blurry haze from the maternity ward.

Surely our plucky defiance was about to end? Well not quite. While Walker continued slaying at one end, Finn stoically defended the other and kept out 26 balls – many delivered by the prolific (6-fer) Austin. Finally as our innings was drawing to an end anyway Walker was given out LBW for 35 – the highest score any of his team mates could ever remember him getting (although this clearly eliminates anything prior to middle age).

With the pitch playing the odd trick or three there was a general consensus that our 134 could be very competitive and buoyed by his innings and well refreshed by a splendid tea, Walker returned to the field to open the bowling. In partnership with the other Spearman on show, Stonor were tied down as they themselves found the conditions bowler friendly. Keysey took two slightly better than average catches behind the stumps whilst Walker helped himself to a c & b. With first change Gokani also weighing in the hosts were restricted to 32-5 after 20 overs with just 20 left to play.

With the game clearly in the bag our thoughts again drifted… wash the car, paint the shed … well bowled Raj … might get to the cinema at some point … good effort Stan … catch up on some of those TV dramas everyone is talking about … well bowled Nick ,,,

Not a lot appeared to be happening during this passage of play except our esteemed Chairman taking one for the team in the euphemistic mid-ships whilst fielding in a very silly position which soon became a very recumbent position. We all wish the twins a full & speedy recovery Mr Chairman, Sir.

And then we came to the pivotal point of the game.

History is littered with individuals who, against all odds, have reached the pinnacle of their chosen vocation before then having the good grace to step back into obscurity from whence they came before they got found out as a fraud. Think Florence Griffiths-Joiner, Nigel Farage, Edward VIII, Syd Barret, Zafar Ansari.

Malcolm West had similarly reached some dizzying heights this season as captain, promoting as he had Rob Kerr and Spearman’s P & J to the top of the order with remarkable results. He wasn’t done there either as he had proved in our previous match by bringing himself on to bowl and taking the prize wicket first ball. Everything had turned to gold for the tactically minded one.

Thinking he could fool all of the people all of the time however, he again brought himself on to bowl at the business end of this game. A rather working class buffet was dished up (plenty of it but not necessarily of high quality even by buffet standards). Stonor batsman Powell who was well set and seeing it like a football immediately identified that the emperor (who doubles as the club s welfare officer) was no longer wearing any clothes and dealt with the fare accordingly.

SCOREBOARD PLEASE! … dum-de-dum … Jesus how many? Come on guys let’s get serious …

Bartlett did manage to keep us in the game with a two wicket burst but Stonor were closing in on victory with 7 down and 7 overs remaining to get 30 runs.

With the penultimate throw of the dice West decided to flog the dead horses that were the opening bowlers; Walker & Spearman (P). These two had by now bowled over 400 overs between them in the season (in all forms) and had both royally seized up like a Blenheim roller. With the field now doing a passable impression of the okey-cokey the results were predictable and with just 4 to win, Oxfordshire U14s District leading wicket taker & opening bowler Jake Spearman was let loose on the opposition with just a hat-trick required to claim glory. 3 balls later the game was indeed over although alas, not in our favour.

So, genius one week, jelly bean the next, the skipper had done himself up like a kipper. If only he’d taken a leaf out of Flo-Jo’s book and quit whilst ahead.

We retired to Pishill to lick our wounds where predictably Keysey didn’t put his hand in his pocket but rather more surprisingly kept it up in the air as he nominated himself for the captaincy role next year (note to the committee to check the constitution to see if one can nominate oneself for office).

Personally I’ll be voting for Nigel Walker – the man can do no wrong.

An interesting winter awaits.

In jest

The Rhino

So, with the late, but predictable withdrawal of Great Tew from our fixture, The Barbarians filled in for our last battle of the season on the South Lawn.

Stan & George Kerr turned up, took one look at our team and decided instead to play for the opposition. The predictably late Raj & Coxy also eventually turned up too.

As is obligatory in any match report, the toss must be mentioned. So it took place and we bowled first. The innings generally went well from our point of view with Nigel finally getting some justice for his hard yards opening the bowling week after week. He managed an economical 3–fer, as did first change Spearman (P). Wickets fell at irregular intervals and the score progressed slowly but with the Barbar’s opener still at the crease there was always some hope for the visitors-cum-turncoats.

In a move of sheer incompetence and self-indulgence though Captain West brought himself on to bowl his usual utter filth – presumably to make more of a game of it and to give our side – evidently packed with prolific run getters – something to stay awake for. But what was this? Such was the openers glee at being gifted a ton so easily that he completely missed a straight one first up!

Spearman (W) and Spearman (J) both weighed in with a wicket a-piece – the latter as a result of a superb catch by the former on the square leg boundary (Stan please note –catches are allowed in this position). The innings closed at 178 -9 off the allotted 40 overs including a creditable 13 from a late order ‘S Angol’. A good effort from all concerned especially with the distractions of boorish hooray Henrys giving it some from the fine leg/long off ‘Eric Hollies’ marquee and naked bitches on all fours regularly invading the pitch.

Over tea, thoughts then turned to our own batting. Or at least some thoughts did. Our captain however, randomly picked out newcomer Matt – who, by his own admission, hadn’t batted for 2 years – along with Spearman (P) who never bats, to open the batting. Thoughts that our captain may have finally lost the plot were therefore crystallised.

But this is cricket and anything can happen. And at 110-0 off 22 overs we all suddenly realised why Malcolm is the genius he is and why we keep re-electing him as captain (apart from the fact no-one else can be arsed of course). The game was therefore, by this stage, well beyond the visitors reach.

Or was it?

This is Blenheim of course and anything can happen. Matt perished (for 70 odd) going for one big shot too many and the middle order ‘engine room’ of Keyes, West & Cox badly misfired. Gokani & JVF also didn’t last long and with Spearman (P) having also succumbed agonisingly short of a maiden 50 it was left to Spearman’s J & W to see us home with 7 down and 2 overs to spare just as we’d entered into squeaky bum time.

We then all retired to the usual hostelry to marvel at the miracle of Malcom’s genius.

A big thanks to Simon Parker for gathering together a team to fill the void at very short notice. And thanks to Stan & George for agreeing to play for the oppo.

Rhino

So yesterday we clutched defeat from … well the jaws of defeat really. In a game that was, at times, as bumpy as the track that led to the pitch at several thousand metres above sea level (at the pavilion end at least), we lost by about 50-ish.

Full match report is available to anyone who wishes to write it.

Rhino

An enjoyable afternoon on the South Lawn for the visit of Sydenham. Having won the toss and inserted them we performed very well against a batting line up which looked like it had some capable contributions. Apart from them getting after Jake for a few overs early on we were always in control. Excellent spells from Nigel and Raj early on kept them at bay and we took regular wickets. Their opener reached 50 before JVF took a well judged catch on the rope at back square leg off the ‘bowling’ of Stan. After that it was a coast into the finish with Rhino and JVF running through the tail. A rare afternoon with Stoddard in the team where he wasn’t required to bowl. An excellent fielding display with catches and a great run out by Raj/Kerr saw us finish for tea early having dismissed them for 111 in 34 overs.

After a relaxed tea we returned to the task of cricket.  Our new Opening pair of Jake Spearman and Phil Boardman played well against a decent opening attack of pace and swing.  Phil leaning back and carving through point and Jake uppercutting and driving.  Both fell close together having put on 26.  West and Stoddart opened up against the weaker change bowling, before James miss timed a poor ball and was caught.  Gokani and West then finished it off picking off the pretty easy bowling and giving the occasional chance before the winning runs were scored in the 24th (?) over.

With the early finish we took the opportunity to have a team photo and retired to the pub for beer and nibbles.

Rhino

So, moving swiftly on from another thrashing by South Wales Hunts…

A convincing win over Islip yesterday (according to rumour at least – the score book is empty), probably helped a little bit by a gluttonous 139 from Charlie Bethell (though with an empty score book this must, regrettably, remain an unofficial score; maybe next time, Charlie). Match report to follow (I’m still waiting on a few contributions to my holiday fund from people who would rather not appear in it).

Coxy

We had an enjoyable morning playing golf – thanks to Malcolm for suggesting and organising that – and then we were all very hot and bothered all afternoon. After a dot ball and two consecutive wickets, Medmenham CC scored the winning runs on the antepenultimate ball of the final over. Individual stand-out performances are a shimmering haze in my memory; I know Lee Keyes scored a quick-fire fifty, but he subsequently made up for this with his bowling.

Coxy

We lost a high scoring match against Steeple Aston they batted and their 17 year old opener got 150* from their 235 total. We were all out for 195 in 32 overs chasing.

Malcolm

Malcolm won the toss on a sun-dappled South Lawn, and wisely chose to take first dig. Phil Boardman and Martin Cox set off at a blistering pace (yes, you read that correctly) before Phil ran past a straight ball allowing the keeper the simplest of stumpings. The skipper promoted himself to number three to feast on the less-than-stellar opposition attack, and, having dispatched his partner via the sharpest of non-singles, duly and predictably padded his stats. With debutant Saleem – a replacement for Lee who both scored runs and conducted himself with dignity (bye Lee) – he added 119 in 23 overs before the newcomer missed a straight one and was bowled for 66. Malc trudged on, and finally departed for 73 on what might have been the final ball before tea, the declaration coming at 216-4. While all this was going on, Nigel was quietly scoring with a visiting Aussie.

The target always looked to be beyond the reach of Bayshill; the only doubt being whether Blenheim could take ten wickets to force the victory. But there was little Bayshill backbone, and wickets fell with monotonous regularity. Nigel bagged a pair, the Spearmans shared five, the Gokanis three, catches were held, and the repair to the Woodstock Arms was mercifully swift.

Blenheim Park CC 216-4d, Bayshill CC 83. BPCC won by 133 runs.

Season to date: W3 D2 L2

Shylock

• They batted first in the 35 over a side game
• Stan was the man of the moment – 3-17, plus contributed to a sharp run out
• Yes, you read that right, I know those words do not normally appear in the same sentence in that order!
• Spearman’s decided not to catch – off their own, or, each other’s bowling – except for one lapse by Spearman the elder for S’man the younger
• Nigel, a quick learner, opted to take matters in his own hands (seems such a waste of a great pun …) and rearranged the woodwork a couple of times
• One apiece from Spearman (E & Y) & Gokani and another run-out completing the wicket tally
• New boy Nick had a great debut – excellent (and busy) in the field, including 2 catches (also see below)
• Innings closed on 163 All Out in the penultimate ball

Tea ‘service as usual’ with the Return of the Mike – welcome back!

• BPCC innings started off positively with Rob Kerr settling into his openers’ role (37ish and 7 or 8^th wicket)
• But little other support except – New boy Nick with a quick fire 22
• Other key events:

o   Coxy turning the other cheek to a beamer – the ball did the slapping on this occasion. And an opportunity for a public service broadcast …. Please (re-)consider wearing a helmet guys.

o   Last 7 wickets tumbled for a handful of runs

• BPCC 136 All Out in the 30^th Over – could and should have been a win.

Raj